How can I support my kid?
Kids seriously do have it really tough today.
My years of experience supporting children and families in stressful, sometimes life and death circumstances, has greatly informed my therapeutic approach. I believe in truth telling. I believe in helping your child to know their unconditional worth, to find their voice, to validate their rich inner lives, and create deep meaning from their challenges and experiences.
And I mean imagine having your childhood and teen years recorded LIVE in front of an audience, because that’s basically what kids in our ever increasingly digital world are navigating daily. There is collective anxiety regarding the world they will inherit - climate, race, social media, the economy, oh yeah and college applications. For people still developing their pre-frontal cortex, they are having to manage a lot decisions with long term outcomes.
“Why is my child struggling? Is it my fault?”
The honest truth? Both yes and no.
When kids & teens are struggling or experiencing anxiety or depression, it’s easy for intense parental guilt to also set in, especially in situations where the family is also collectively grieving. If your child is struggling it doesn’t mean that you have failed them or failed parenting, but it’s okay to ask for help. You both don’t need to suffer.
The complex balance between nature and nurture is important to keep in mind here. Most children with anxiety or depression are genetically predisposed to these conditions. Also, if your child has a trauma history, struggles with self esteem, and or seeks out external validation over internal validation, there are a lot of other factors here that could complicate the message they received from positive reinforcement parenting techniques. It’s entirely possible that they surmised (consciously or unconsciously) that their self-worth is dependent upon achievement and people-pleasing.
How to know if your child is stuggling
Grief, anxiety, and depression can look differently at each developmental stage.
Keep a lookout for:
Tummy Trouble (aches, nausea, butterflies)
Sleep Disruption or Nightmares
Attention Seeking Behavior
Regressive Developmental Behavior (thumb sucking, potty accidents)
Anger
Dreading Going to School / Activities
Increased Emotional Reactivity
Decreased Performance in School
Understanding the signs that your child is struggling with mental health isn’t always easy. Most often, trauma signs will manifests and disrupt a child’s development and produce regressive behaviors. You may notice that your child’s sleep patterns have shifted, their moods have become more volatile, and they will complain of physical ailments like tummy aches and headaches without a clear physical indication. Regressive behaviors like thumb sucking, bed wetting, and longer or more intense temper tantrums may also emerge. As children have the most control over their bodily functions, struggling kids might also hold in their poop in an attempt to establish a sense of control over their environment.
Adolescence can be a deeply challenging stage of life to begin with. As teens seek out independence and a greater sense of autonomy, it can be difficult for them to go to a parent for help - and it is NOT because you are a bad parent. It’s literally part of the differentiation process.
Therapy gives teens the opportunity to take an active role in their health care with a trusted adult who isn’t a family member or teacher. The coping skills and personal insights they develop now, they will carry with them into their adulthood.